I should have known… It was the damn muffin tin.

Happy holidays, friends! Wherever you’re at, whatever you’re going through—I hope
you are finding peace and joy this holiday season.

I’m going to get practical in this blog edition. It’s important that we all know what signs to
look for in a friend or loved one who may be contemplating suicide. It’s not a warm and
fuzzy topic but your knowledge may save a life.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), the following are warning
signs to look for:
– Increased alcohol and drug use
– Aggressive behavior
– Withdrawal from friends, family and community
– Dramatic mood swings
– Impulsive or reckless behavior
– Collecting and saving pills or buying a weapon
– Giving away possessions
– Tying up loose ends, like organizing personal papers or pay off debts
– Saying goodbye to friends and family

I knew my mother struggled mightily with anxiety and depression for the better part of
her adult life. There were signs. Some of them didn’t show up on the list above. She
ruminated on the smallest of details when it came to planning or attending any kind of
activity. Her anxiety radiated off her. The nature of our visits and conversations
changed. I knew she struggled with sleep.

The shift in her nature took place slowly and was subtle but my sister and I saw it. She
did a really good job of hiding it from the rest of the world. Once I saw it, I couldn’t look
away and on more than one occasion I summoned the courage to ask her if she had
considered taking her life. It’s one of the hardest things you can ask a person you love.
Each time she would pat my hand and say “no”. Believe me, I tried.

I honestly don’t know if it would have made a difference but after a couple years of
asking, at some point I just stopped. I asked how she was and how I could help. I
hugged her and told her I loved her. But I no longer asked if she considered taking her
life. I came to believe that she had lived with this for so long that at 75 years old it was
her difficult norm and that we would love and support her to the best of our ability. I was
wrong.

Early in November of last year I got a call from my sister who told me about a visit with
our mom in which she gave my sister an old muffin tin. She was humorously puzzled as
to why Mom determined that at no time in the future would she need to make a muffin, cupcake or personally sized corn bread. We kind of chuckled about it, as all of us do as our parents age and show their quirks. It raised no red flags.

The very next day, Mom and I met up for a lunch and a little shopping. She had a gift
certificate at a local boutique that she really wanted to use. I drove. When she came
back to my house to get her car, she asked to see our recent home improvements. She
wanted to chat and get a squeeze from our son, who was doing school from home. She
lamented the fact that she didn’t get a chance to see my husband and our daughter,
who were at work and school. When she left, she hugged me so long and so hard that I
told my sister that afternoon it felt like it was the last time she was ever going to hug me.
She held my face in her hands and said, “I love you, my Ginny girl.” It raised no red
flags.

Four days later, she was gone.

I look back on the subtle signs of giving things away and saying goodbye. They weren’t
cries for help. I think she had made her choice. I just missed it. In hindsight, there were
little signals I didn’t see. I wouldn’t say that I feel guilt, just deep sadness for her and
myself. If I had it to do over again I think I would have extended a lifeline and asked one
more time if she was considering ending her life. I would have asked for the hundredth
time how I could help. Maybe she would have taken my hand and let me pull her to
safety. Maybe not.

Check in with your loved ones. Ask hard questions. Listen. Look for the things that may
not be said.

Wishing you all a peaceful and joyful holiday season celebrating all that you hold dear.

Ginny
Smile Advocate